Missed opportunities

I had a dream last night. In the dream, I was many things; a zombie hunter, an ex-footballer, a theosophy expert and much more...It annoyed me. It annoyed me because I look back at those things with (zombie hunter aside, because, you know, there are no real zombies...yet...) and it saddens me that I probably should have followed through with them.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy with the path I am currently on. I think I've mentioned previously that I've wanted to be a journalist since about the age of 14 and I've worked hard to turn around my life and get it back on track, so yeah, I am happy on that front.

It's just that I think about all the opportunities that I spurned. I wouldn't have had to do this series of trials if I had just chosen to do the right thing at the right time. When I was but a wee, young Terence, I got into a prestigious athletics club on merit. My running times (for my age at the time) put me in the top 2% nationwide. The club found me at a cross-country event my school was a part of, they offered to give me training and these people were the guys who send people to the Olympics. I turned them down, well, actually, I just stopped going after the first or second meet. My mother always thought it was because my friend (who was also picked) stopped going, but really, I was just lazy.

There was another time where I very nearly got a trial for Liverpool FC. At a school game, there was a scout for the club watching. I was noticed and they got in touch with my family over it. Now, the football team at my school was a shambles, they played maybe four matches a year, and the team was picked by the...let's be polite and say...less civilised students....the students whose brains rebelled whenever they were forced to think...anyway, so the scout asked if I played for a local youth team and could they come and watch. "No, he doesn't play for a local team" "Can he sign up for one?" "I'll ask and get back to you." So they asked and I said no because of two reasons, one, laziness and two, it meant being awkward in a new social environment. 

I'm not saying that if I'd have followed through with either of those things I'd be at the summer Olympics or playing for Liverpool or whoever, it's entirely possible, if not probable, that I would have failed or at least be one of those who didn't quite make it to the highest level but kicks about in the minor leagues. I'm just annoyed at myself for not taking the opportunity, you know. Because, if you look at it, I kept getting these opportunities. In school I was offered a chance to take part in a cooking contest to earn a chef's apprenticeship with the Marriot, didn't take it up, even though I was begged to do it. Another chance I had was to go to Bluecoats private school; I had the results for it, but decided against taking the actual test because reasons I guess. Then there was the time Liverpool Community College bent the rules, twice, to get me back in after I left halfway through the year, twice, because laziness. Then there are all the other times...

I kept getting opportunities and...I think that's what did me in. Now, a little disclaimer for the next part. I am only blaming myself here, others may have had a hand in it, but it was entirely how I reacted to that that was my downfall...okay? I think it was down to being given these opportunities time after time that led me to becoming so lazy and indecisive. I mean, imagine it. Day after day, week after week, you have people telling you how brilliant you are, you are getting offers from Liverpool Harriers, Liverpool Football Club, renowned private schools and the rest. Sure, things aren't perfect, but they are working out in everything else, so it will all click into place right? She's not noticing you yet, but she will, one day. Those bullies are only jealous because they don't have your future, they are unwanted by anyone, they don't get the opportunities you've been given and will continue to be given. Sure, your home-life isn't fantastic, but who cares right, you'll be out of that house the second you turn 18, never to come back....

Then you fail. Your GCSE's aren't quite what you expected because you didn't put in the work because people had been telling you all throughout your school life that it would be easy for you. The girl of your dreams then takes a shit on your heart. Then slowly but surely everything starts to fall apart. The course you were on is pulled, the jobs you apply for reject you, most of your friends are gone, abandoned you. You mope around the home you hate, in a fugue state, barely reacting to the world outside. From a lifetime of opportunities freely given you now find yourself shuffling listlessly through the days, having never had to motivate yourself to achieve, you wait for the opportunity to arrive rather than actually going out to look for it.

It is a horrible existence. It was a horrible existence. People have tried to make light of it by saying that it is in the past, that perhaps having gone through it has made me mentally tougher, that things happen for a reason...and maybe they do, but still, I would much rather have just taken what was presented to me all those years ago instead of making mistake after mistake until I could, quite possibly literally, make no more...and yet I still seem to do.

On the subject of death.

Man, I am bored to death, literal death, I am a ghost now. Just, you know, haunting the internet, death ain't so bad. No bills to worry about, no debt, well, no financial debt, there's like sinners debt and demons do keep trying to catch me and drag me to Hell to settle it, but I'm too wily for them! I have sick cunning skills, you don't even know!

But yeah, it is boring, you know, because eternity is a long time to have about, yeah you can go anywhere, do anything, see everything because you've got that time, but it does tend to end up as "meh, I'll do it tomorrow" and suddenly the thing has turned to dust and hell, even the continent in which the thing was in no longer exists because you put it off so much because there was always a later thing...time could be wasted...

It's why death always scared me...not the sudden cessation of knowing, of being, that scares me as well, but not nearly as much as eternal life, because it would be, well, Hell, pun partially intended. No matter what it was, it could be the raddest, most entertaining thing ever. It could be jet-propelled skateboarding super models flinging angel cakes into your open mouth whilst your back is being rubbed by other models whose hands are made out of the feeling you get resting your head on the cool side of a pillow...and there's a fucking giraffe! But all that wouldn't matter because it'd get boring, and yeah you can change, but you've got forever, the only impetus to change would be yourself. It wouldn't be forced upon you, so you would become complacent.

How do I know that? Because look at everyone! People watch the same shit day in, day out, watch the same television programmes, read essentially the same stories, play the same games, everything, and that's with an actual time limit imposed on them that yes, the brain does its level best to obviate, but even still! Even if we don't like something, we'll carry on doing it just because, and only change that when something reminds us that our time is short, maybe a pain in the chest, or you have difficulty running for the bus, oh shit, better start exercising, but then if you had eternity...meh, I'll get around to it later...

Of course, that could just be related to my own experiences, what I've seen of the world, who knows? It could be that there are people out there who have the long term vision to actually enjoy eternity. I can't remember where it is, but I know there is at least one culture out there that has the concept of time being a complete none issue. They see things not in the sense of "this thing will happen tomorrow" but rather "This thing has happened but I'm not at that point". In other words, they see their lives as a whole, even the crap that hasn't happened yet, and it's better for them in some regards. Because they invest in stuff for their future, and I don't mean like putting money aside for a rainy day or whatever, I mean, they see it in a more complete sense.

They're not putting money aside for some hypothetical scenario, they put it aside because they know their lives exist beyond that moment....and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we don't know that our lives exist beyond this moment, but our culture is heavily biased toward the short term. "I'll do this, so I can do this and then I can do this..." Instead of a defined end-goal, it's based around getting to checkpoints, which means it's easier to fall off a project. "Hey, I got to the ninth stage, there's only thirteen, that's pretty good!" Or worse than that is the curious case of "Well, if I drink my own weight in tequila today, sure, it'll suck for future me tomorrow morning, but the me that I am right now will have a very good time!"

So imagine the scenario where checkpoints are irrelevant because time is irrelevant because you have literally all the time there is in existence, hell, even more because you know, infinite. Like I said, we are a checkpoint culture, but how can you mark against infinity? "Well, when I get to the halfway point of infinity I'll go back to college and get my diploma." Say that out loud and in earnest and I think the universe eats you. Literally. It spontaneously grows a mouth, with lips and teeth and even a tongue and then it sweeps you up, chews for a while, then swallows you down, then disappears whilst grumbling under its breath that now it has got the taste of idiot stuck on its breath and that it now needs a mint. 

So anyway, I'm bored, still, so I'm off to go do something, before I run out of time to do it. Which is the way I would want it to be. Later taters. 

PS: Yeah, sorry for not updating, I've been feeling really shitty these last couple of months and not feeling much like writing. Nothings especially wrong, but very little is going right as well, and yeah, in any case, depression rarely needs a reason to kick a man to the kerb and piss in his mouth.

I dislike shorthand

I dislike shorthand....but there's an actual logical reason behind my dislike. Basically, it's a time saver right? A convenience. By learning it, it allows you to take down conversations, discussions, etc. in fine detail because having learnt it, you can write at like, crazy fast speeds and such....but here's the thing....technology.

We live in an age where you can record conversations, without errors or mistakes (because it's there, on the tape or hard drive or memory stick or whatever) and later transcribe them as needs be, and that's the problem that learning shorthand supposedly obviates. But it can be done so much easier! Yes, you can't take recording devices into courts (but you can take notes...which is weird, considering the point is accuracy? what I mean by this is that you're not allowed to alter shorthand notes you make in court, even if you make a mistake....yeah) and thats a bit of an annoyance, but honestly, does it matter? Is it worth learning what is effectively a new language (that has little to no practical use outside of itself) just for one aspect of a career that I hopefully will have no experience of at the end of my time?

It's just...annoying me...this is time that could be better served writing up stories, learning interview techniques (which, I suppose it is, in an oblique kind of way), working on the more academic side of the course, just...anything, you know, instead of copying down dictation after dictation after dictation....this is how education used to be in Victorian times, we moved on from that for a reason! (Or if you want a modern day example, fine, look at the Japanese educational system, it's based almost entirely upon retention of facts and systems, like shorthand is, no analysis or criticism allowed and they are suffering for it intellectually) 

I know, it's shocking, a student complaining about the work one has to do, but mein gott, it is dirge, pure and simple, and it is something that I simply cannot see where the benefit is. The only reward that I have heard of is that newspapers will not hire people without it...you know, that news medium that is doing so well at the moment. I've heard the argument that "well, maybe the recording device breaks or doesn't capture the voice right/you can't hear it over background noise" and I don't know, but to me that just sounds incredibly...well....stupid, quite frankly. There are enough programs, even free ones, that can filter out sounds on audio streams. "Yes, but it's a back-up to your recording device." ....so simply carry a second audio device...

I kind of understand it in the sense that academics love to complicate what are essentially simple concepts/practices. Why do something if it is easy, right? If anyone could do it...heavens forbid! No! We must make it long, drawn out and tedious enough that it dissuades the average person so that when we have mastered it we can lord it over folk, yes! 

I am, of course, going to stick at it. Because at the end of the day, I kind of have to, and there are things a person has to do even if they dislike it (and believe me, this is something I really dislike), but also, I just had to have a little rant about it. If employers in the United Kingdom are looking at shorthand speed though, I think I may have to go abroad to make a living though. I think learning an actual language would be more interesting anyway. 

So yeah, it's been a while....

I'd like to say that I've not updated because I've been too busy working....or socialising....or in a coma....but the truth is that I've just been lazy. But the thing is, I don't really turn off, not ever, I'm always thinking about ways I can improve, things I can do better, stuff I can do to make a greater impression...It's annoying, in some respects, because I very rarely follow through with those plans, because (and I am sure this something that we are all afflicted with) I am so easily dissuaded. Not through lack of support, or lack of recognition, but....well, no, actually exactly those things. 

We, that is to say I, like to act holier than thou, I'll talk about things that are important to me, and I get that that is why you may probably, are probably, not interested in what I have to say...and that's cool, it really is. Writing these things is basically a form of therapy (yay for free therapy!) for me, and that I have not wrote...written...I don't know the correct English....but whatever, that I have not posted for a while would seem to indicate that my life is more or less going well...because, you know, I've not posted....or something....so why am I posting this now, why am I writing this blog now? 

Basically, life is going just grand for me, I don't have many complaints, I am white, male and in university, if there was some kind of genetic lottery, I would be winning it at the moment. It's just....relativity...you know, things are only as good as they relate to you? To one's self....It might sound bad, but even if you were a billionaire, if you lost a million in an hour, it wouldn't matter, it'd still be bad you lost the million....and I guess that's kinda what this is about...there are those that are far better off than I....and those that are far worse off than I....but isn't that life?

That will always be, surely? At the moment, what's destroying me is my frankly laughable attempts to get into a relationship, but that is (when measured against the plight of others) inconsequential. Here I am, worried that I may never have children, that I've gone too long without a freaking date, and then there are people who, you know, are worried that when they go to sleep tonight they won't freaking see tomorrow. It kinda puts one's thoughts into perspective. *Yes, i do know I am saying freaking a lot...I'm trying to wean myself off of swearing..it's not going all that well....*

And that's kinda it...things are going well, but they could be going better, and I'm getting greedy, so I need to write this kind of shit and remind myself of that. But...the thing is, I don't even know if they are going that well...by some metrics, sure, things are swell...but people who know me know that above all else I desire a family and that is....that is far from a reality....I don't know....I guess that's all I've got for now, otherwise I'm going to get really mushy, so ciao bella.

Procrastination.

It comes in many forms; the television show that you don't even like but still....something may happen so....or the video game, that you've had lying on the shelf gaining dust forever and is only picked up now because...or it might be that you're just sitting there, staring into space, as if by just willing it the work will somehow, perhaps magically, complete itself.

Hello, my name is Terence O'Sullivan, and I am a professional procrastinator. I don't even mean to do it at times, I just am. I put things off to no end and I think that's partly because the end, so to speak, is so far away. As bad as it may sound, I need people telling me "this! get this done! now!" because otherwise, I slack off. I'm lazy. Well, no, not quite lazy, I don't think anyone who knows me could ever accuse me of that. Unfocused perhaps, because my mind does tend to wander which does lead to (I've been told) delightful ramblings that are perhaps on the wrong side of degenerative dementia. Partly, that's because my mind is doing anything to get away from work, so it becomes a case of my brain thinking "aaah! quick! say something about the flavour of cats," which leads to my mouth saying "so yeah, cats, aren't they're fruity and delicious! but alas high in sugar content, so I can never have them....curse my metabolism!" and that's great, that's fine, but it is tiring. Really, just exhausting. 

I'm stressing out at the moment, and it's not really anything to do with university work (though, I wager that'll change soon enough, given my procastinaty ways....I really shouldn't have watched buffy as much as I did when I was a child...half of you will be like "what?" and the other half will be like "mmm, raisins"), no, as always it's down to money. See, because the student housing turned out to be such a bum idea, one that I am still paying out for, I've got no money. Which is fine, because I live at home right? Well....let me take you on a tour through the refrigerator and freezer of my hoooooome! Okay, I guess we got a minuscule block of cheese and a small bottle of milk in the former and three bags of assorted frozen veg in the latter...a hearty set of meals by any standard! And that's it, because no one in the house has any money. It's always like this at least one week of the month because my mum and sister don't work and I was a student last year and of course am one again this year. This time though, it's just really piled it on. This whole month has just been harsh, and it won't get any better until the end.

Don't get me wrong, there are people in worse positions, and I'm not even talking about victims of tragedy or extreme events, just people in their everyday, average lives, so, I'm not complaining, hell, I've had it much worse myself in the past. But the point I am trying to make is that it does lead to procrastination. To short-termism. Example, I've been going to bed very early these past two weeks, why? Two reasons, firstly, it's a lot easier to deal with an empty stomach when you're asleep, and secondly, I've been lacking the energy. What this means is that when you do find a little cash for food, when you do manage to scrape a little something to get some bread or whatever, you're not thinking of conserving it, it's just get it down as fast as you can because it's the first filling meal you've had in a week. From that it's perhaps easy to see that yeah, it's a little hard to think about academic work that needs completing when you're not entirely sure your next meal is coming from. 

Also, this is my explaining why I've not written a blog or done a video for a while, again, it's just been something of a pill doing the things I have to do without adding the things I actually want to do on top of it...which is really bloody annoying....not going to say when regular schedule will resume because I don't know (has it ever been regular?) but hopefully within the next month, adios for now!    

A small list of things that annoy me:

1) Getting food stuck between my teeth...you can't tell me that there is a just and loving god out there when I've just spent half an hour trying to get rid of the (as in one, singular) poppy seed from my tasty poppy seed covered loaf that has wedged itself between my canines. Well, you can tell me that there is such a deity, but then I'm afraid I'll have to ask that you prove He exists by sending you to meet Him and report back on the matter. Fire will be involved in the sending...

2) People who exit a building, then stop right in front of the doorway and thus bar me from entering...I don't care what the excuse is, whether it's that they're waiting for their friends to also exit, or they've gone half an hour without increasing their risk of cancer (and what a shame that is as people like this deserve that cancer more than anyone else!) or that upon leaving the building they find themselves amazed, nay, in literal awe that the outside world could be so beautiful it reduces one to a state of catatonia....I really don't care. Next time it happens, instead of tutting and mumbling curses under my breath I'm going to, in addition to the aforementioned actions, tap my foot impatiently, yes, that'll show them!

3) People who make lists of things. I mean really, what is the point, for one, it's insulting to the reader, acting as though they need things to be laid out for them in precise, numerically labelled order. As though they'll read a couple of items and wonder to themselves "Hmm, how many things has he mentioned? Oh I don't know, why didn't I go to school?! Why?! WHY?!" and then they go off and shoot themselves, as is the course of nature in these matters. 

4) The internet. It's too distracting! I need it to do work, but on it I can never do work, so might as well not have it in the first place! That's right, it's a paradox. You all know what a paradox is, right? Well, I'll break it down for you, first we've got "Para" from the Ancient Greek word for besides, and then we've got "dox" from the corrupted pronunciation of ducks, so paradox means "besides ducks" as in "well, this would work on everything, besides ducks" and that's just science. 

5) Scientists. A while ago I was thinking to myself, "how do scientists know what they know" and I arrived at a startling discovery...they don't know...they're all just guessing! Gravity, an invisible force that is all around and keeps us stapled to the ground...sounds a bit like magic, doesn't it?! Show me gravity. But they can't, they're just good storytellers, they "invent" or "discover" all these things, but never show us. "Oh it's there! Trust us!" they say, whilst asking for more and more money to "prove" that such and such exists...but they know....they know they don't know....I'm onto you scientists, yeah *glares at scientists*.....grrrr

The adventures of Adventure-Man

It's been a busy kind of month. (Holy shit, it's been a month?! Well...near enough) I've moved out of my home, started university, moved back home, been drunk, a lot, been deathly ill (not related to alcohol...there was this flu thing going around....felt more like TB...tbh...ha! see what I did there?! we have japes aplenty here, oh my yes), met an inordinately crazy amount of new people and actually started doing work (mostly) when I get it instead of leaving it until the last minute! Imagine that!

Because of all that I've not really had a chance to just chill, you know...get grounded in a sense because this month just passed has gone by alarmingly quickly. This weekend will be the first in a long time where I can actually just do nothing. I mean, I know I'm going to end up doing something exhausting, probably something to do with writing or walking aimlessly around Liverpool at night, you know, that kind of thing. I know, it's not good, I'm always tired because I don't really get to rest because there's either work that needs doing or I create my own tasks for myself because I get bored so easily. Most of the time I could be relaxing I end up writing, or rearranging things in my room, or wrestling the dogs just...anything you know. I hate being inactive, it feels somewhat wasteful.

But I know I need to stop at times. Because I do get so very tired, I'm continually exhausted because I can't just sit there, I can't just watch TV or hell, even read a book. I'm sure it's some form of ADD. I'll be sitting there, reading whatever and you know, properly reading it in, taking it in, but I'll also be pacing the room, stopping every now and then to write something or google something that's popped into my head....it really is quite distracting. For instance, this (so far) has been a very short piece (by my standards) I've stopped four or five times already just to go and read LFC and mmo-champ forums. I get bored very easily. I do sometimes wonder if that's the effect of the internet or video games or just my genetics...

I think worse than my flippancy toward things are the obsessions I get. To a mild extent I think everyone gets obsessed over something. You listen to that same song over and over and over, or get really into that show, you know, the one with the llamas...you sick freak! I'd be ashamed if I were you, but if I were you, I wouldn't be watching it, so I wouldn't be ashamed...but you would still be...as you should be! But anyway, yeah, I think I've talked about this before. I can get obsessed with ideas and things. Really obsessed, to the point it's all I'll talk about...much to the detriment of the conversation. But that's fine, what I'm really talking about is my stubborn ideas. I know I've talked about mistakes not too long ago, and that is basically an extension of this. I know something is a bad idea, but I'll stubbornly pursue it because...reasons, I guess. I don't even look at it in a logical way and it actually, genuinely scares me. I mentioned at the start that I moved back home which has led me to re-evaluating my financial situation. (Short version...it's bad...oh gods....it's bad...) Which meant I had to look at my original calculations...and they were wrong...not just slightly, but really way, way off. I'd basically got it wrong by a factor of three. I remembered my exact way of working it out, what factors I'd included, used the exact numbers and came up with completely different numbers....Now you may think "well, anyone can make a mistake" and that is true. But I went over and over these numbers. Hell, part of the reason I was so determined about the move away was because it would be better for me financially....but I was wrong. Laughably, fantastically wrong, time and time again when I did those calculations over the summer...and I can only rationalise it as me being so obsessed, so determined with moving that it distorted what I was perceiving...and that's worrying, you know....if you can't trust your own brain...who/what can you trust?

Yeah...Descartes would disagree with me...probably, but man, fuck him! If he so great how come he so dead?! Huh?! Answer me that! Anyway, I'm off to enjoy the last hour or so before bed doing washing....well, I say enjoy, it's more like labour through...not quite as arduous as Heracles' labours...but hey, come on, he was a demi god...I myself am a half divine but you know, gods were just cooler back then. Laters.