Remember how I said in my last post (what? you don't remember? did you even read it?! I am disappointed in you, tut tut and for shame, I say, for shame...) I wouldn't be changing course...well...turns out I may have been a little too hasty in stating that.
Yes, I am changing course (hopefully, I've made the application, met the tutors and been accepted onto the new course, pending successful completion of this year, but still something may go wrong), moving on, setting sail and other such sayings that indicate movement from one state to another. I discussed what I didn't like about this Journalism course in my previous blog (please, please read it! Every time I write one of these things and don't get readers, I die a little...partly metaphorically and partly literally as the boss pours black scorpions down my shirt and ooh how the toxin burns...aka, HELP!) but to briefly outline the main reasons:
1) Spending teaching time on shorthand is, in my opinion, stupid...it's taught entirely from a book, it's time wasted having someone teach it. Could use that time on something else. Have shorthand as ongoing homework or whatever.
2) I dislike the moral ambiguity of "chasing stories". Going after information for the sake of knowledge is something I'm cool with. Going after it, not to learn, but to sell stories is abhorrent.
3) It's writing Jim, but not as we know it. Writing is an art form. News Writing is a science. There is a formula to follow each and every time and that is heartbreaking for me.
Anyway, there are other reasons, but yeah, those are probably the main ones. Well, that plus how the course is set up...bits of it just don't make sense, like the shorthand I mentioned, but also...well, we've got an assessment coming up where part of it is using voice recorders and cameras...but there's been barely any training on them. I recognise that teaching time is limited, but surely if something is going to be assessed it warrants a bit more than a one hour session that only covered the absolute basics and even then missed some points out. Luckily I have my own gear so I should be okay for it, but others?
I don't know, maybe the pay off is in the second and third year, but honestly, I don't feel like I've learnt anything this year. In fact, I feel like I've regressed because I've not been engaging my brain as much as I did in college.
Or maybe it just isn't for me, I don't know, it wouldn't be the first time I've been completely wrong with my choice, with something I thought that was entirely right for me. In any case, this will be a short one and I am going to wrap it up here because I have still got a lot of work to complete and yeah...that needs doing, so later taters!
PS: I didn't mention what course I'm hoping to switch to...it's English and Creative Writing, and now you know.
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Friday, 7 March 2014
Weights and counter-weights
Samurai had this idea that one should live as though one is dreaming and
that death is where we all "wake up" so to speak. Well, that's not
entirely true, but then, it's not entirely false either and for the purposes of
this piece it's truth enough which is actually pretty lucky as this one is all
about perception.
It is one of my favourite things in the world. The idea that someone can experience the exact same thing but recount or otherwise interpret it differently than myself or anyone else who witnessed said hypothetical event. To a lot of people it can be quite scary, not knowing what is going on in other people's heads. I would be lying if I said it doesn't scare me at times, but then at others, I marvel at it, because what else can you do? People often think I'm attacking them when I ask them to explain their point of view on something, because I can be too brusque, too accusatory in tone or whatever...which is a failing on my part, because almost always I am just trying to understand a different perspective. I'm not attacking, I'm not chiding or demeaning, I am simply trying to understand.
Sometimes I do take it too far though and I forget about myself, my own actual point of view, and put on the mask of questioner, the me who isn't me but is... I think everyone does this to some extent, the football fan that, for example, is swept along in the moment and attacks someone for insulting their team, the anti-hate protester who becomes a reflection of the people they are protesting against, the people who care so much it hurts them to care at all. In trying to satisfy the inner desires, to belong, to be good, to be righteous, we do sometimes create a monster.
But of course, you can't see that. It is like living at the bottom of a lake, even if you could potentially see the sky above the water, but you would not know it is dry until you get out. Would you even know what "dry" is, having spent your life at the bottom of a lake? We only know what we can know and, even then, not all of that.
Perception is a funny thing. I know what I am talking about and I think I have even explained it pretty well, but you could interpret it another way entirely. You could be angry that I've implied you've been living at the bottom of the lake (hey, I didn't say perceptions had to make sense) or take umbrage at my use of the word "umbrage"...you could think it banal, funny, insightful, insipid, boring or anything in between or outside of that range but I can guarantee that not one of you would read it in the exact way I had meant it to be read....which is really poor phrasing for which I do apologise, I am very tired right now. You might get close, very close, but you would never, ever be able to read these words as I would, nor could I ever be exact in the way you interpret them...so maybe you would interpret them correctly because I can't perceive that doesn't mean it can't be done right?! Heh, tangents, love them, anyway.
This has just been a long-way of saying I am leaving the journalism course. For a few reasons; firstly, I don't really believe in objectivity and it seems dishonest to try to claim it as a career. Secondly, you have read my writing, right? It is good, very good, even if I do say so myself, but it isn't really suitable for news (see objectivity complaint). Thirdly, I can't report. I get too interested in what people are saying, why they say those things, the reasons etc....which means I don't get the quotes down....Fourthly; I get bored when people speak (I know, both ends of the spectrum right, almost like a person can have more than one trait!) and I zone out to think about video games, or books, or food, even *whispers* girls! Don't tell the priests! Yeah...my brain isn't quite right, I blame Deadpool.
Fifth and finally, the cynicism. Now, I am a fairly cynical chap, or at least, I was until a few years ago. I still kind of am, but it's more of a jovial cynicism now...that was until I started doing stories for this course....people hoping for tragedies because they make the best stories....dismissing people's hardships as irrelevant because they won't sell papers...treating people as leads or contacts instead of just...people...there's a dehumanisation there, you know? As much as I dislike being around people I do value them as people, as humans, to be treated rightly not because I'm trying to wheedle a story out of them either now or in the future, but because treating them rightly is the correct thing to do. There is just something ever so slightly abhorrent about it.
Which you may realise is hypocritical because at the start of this I said about my asking people questions to try to understand them, basically getting a "story" for myself. There isn't much of a difference, but, also remember this is about perception, it makes sense in my eyes.
So what now for this old wolf...I have started on the road to sorting out an English course next year, just have to finish and pass the current year, and I might combine it with something, maybe. It looks like I will have to repeat the first year (if I can even get onto it) but that's fine, I expected that. Why did I write about perceptions today, partly it's because I know that people will think I'm insane for doing this, I get that a lot because I do things that seem like crazy snap judgements, but it's not. This particular thing has been bubbling away in my head since the start of the year. If anything, the insane snap judgement was deciding to stick at it to see if it would improve. Generally speaking, these apparently hastily made decisions are the result of months of mostly silent contemplation on the subject. Perceptions are a funny thing.
It is one of my favourite things in the world. The idea that someone can experience the exact same thing but recount or otherwise interpret it differently than myself or anyone else who witnessed said hypothetical event. To a lot of people it can be quite scary, not knowing what is going on in other people's heads. I would be lying if I said it doesn't scare me at times, but then at others, I marvel at it, because what else can you do? People often think I'm attacking them when I ask them to explain their point of view on something, because I can be too brusque, too accusatory in tone or whatever...which is a failing on my part, because almost always I am just trying to understand a different perspective. I'm not attacking, I'm not chiding or demeaning, I am simply trying to understand.
Sometimes I do take it too far though and I forget about myself, my own actual point of view, and put on the mask of questioner, the me who isn't me but is... I think everyone does this to some extent, the football fan that, for example, is swept along in the moment and attacks someone for insulting their team, the anti-hate protester who becomes a reflection of the people they are protesting against, the people who care so much it hurts them to care at all. In trying to satisfy the inner desires, to belong, to be good, to be righteous, we do sometimes create a monster.
But of course, you can't see that. It is like living at the bottom of a lake, even if you could potentially see the sky above the water, but you would not know it is dry until you get out. Would you even know what "dry" is, having spent your life at the bottom of a lake? We only know what we can know and, even then, not all of that.
Perception is a funny thing. I know what I am talking about and I think I have even explained it pretty well, but you could interpret it another way entirely. You could be angry that I've implied you've been living at the bottom of the lake (hey, I didn't say perceptions had to make sense) or take umbrage at my use of the word "umbrage"...you could think it banal, funny, insightful, insipid, boring or anything in between or outside of that range but I can guarantee that not one of you would read it in the exact way I had meant it to be read....which is really poor phrasing for which I do apologise, I am very tired right now. You might get close, very close, but you would never, ever be able to read these words as I would, nor could I ever be exact in the way you interpret them...so maybe you would interpret them correctly because I can't perceive that doesn't mean it can't be done right?! Heh, tangents, love them, anyway.
This has just been a long-way of saying I am leaving the journalism course. For a few reasons; firstly, I don't really believe in objectivity and it seems dishonest to try to claim it as a career. Secondly, you have read my writing, right? It is good, very good, even if I do say so myself, but it isn't really suitable for news (see objectivity complaint). Thirdly, I can't report. I get too interested in what people are saying, why they say those things, the reasons etc....which means I don't get the quotes down....Fourthly; I get bored when people speak (I know, both ends of the spectrum right, almost like a person can have more than one trait!) and I zone out to think about video games, or books, or food, even *whispers* girls! Don't tell the priests! Yeah...my brain isn't quite right, I blame Deadpool.
Fifth and finally, the cynicism. Now, I am a fairly cynical chap, or at least, I was until a few years ago. I still kind of am, but it's more of a jovial cynicism now...that was until I started doing stories for this course....people hoping for tragedies because they make the best stories....dismissing people's hardships as irrelevant because they won't sell papers...treating people as leads or contacts instead of just...people...there's a dehumanisation there, you know? As much as I dislike being around people I do value them as people, as humans, to be treated rightly not because I'm trying to wheedle a story out of them either now or in the future, but because treating them rightly is the correct thing to do. There is just something ever so slightly abhorrent about it.
Which you may realise is hypocritical because at the start of this I said about my asking people questions to try to understand them, basically getting a "story" for myself. There isn't much of a difference, but, also remember this is about perception, it makes sense in my eyes.
So what now for this old wolf...I have started on the road to sorting out an English course next year, just have to finish and pass the current year, and I might combine it with something, maybe. It looks like I will have to repeat the first year (if I can even get onto it) but that's fine, I expected that. Why did I write about perceptions today, partly it's because I know that people will think I'm insane for doing this, I get that a lot because I do things that seem like crazy snap judgements, but it's not. This particular thing has been bubbling away in my head since the start of the year. If anything, the insane snap judgement was deciding to stick at it to see if it would improve. Generally speaking, these apparently hastily made decisions are the result of months of mostly silent contemplation on the subject. Perceptions are a funny thing.
Monday, 3 March 2014
A day-trip to the crunch
March eh? When did that happen?! Well, obviously it happened after February
but hey, stop being obtuse! I'm talking about it in terms of the mortal
"time is fleeting" existentialist kind of rhetoric that is so popular
amongst kids these days (I'd assume...I mean kids do nothing now but talk
philosophy don't they?) but yeah, enough about that, what I really want to talk
about is March itself.
This month (and well, to be fair, a week or two of April) is full fit to bursting with essays and news stories to be written and exams to be completed and portfolios to be submitted and lions and tigers and bears, oh my! It's a lot of work, to be sure and I, in true Terencian fashion (yep, my name can now also be used as an adjective), am resisting the call to work because it's not yet the last moment to do everything. Which, I know, is a very stupid thing to do.
To be entirely honest, I've been contemplating changing course. Not altogether seriously, but when I find myself in the wee hours of the night, sat at my desk, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a gun to my head in the other because I can't find a solitary news story (scenario may not be entirely factual) I sometimes do think, maybe, just maybe, this isn't for me.
I don't doubt that others have had this thought, not just on my course, but on every course. A "maybe the grass is greener" kind of thought about other paths, and as it gets closer and closer to the end of the year I find myself thinking more and more about it. Mainly because you can only get student loans for three years plus one, (I assume that plus one is there as a safety net should you only just fail the first year and are allowed to return, or you want to try a different course) so after this year it would be kind of hard to finance a jaunt through the third year.
What's making me doubt my ability to do well at this is, well, a lot of things really, but principally it comes down to two things. Firstly, I'm inexact. I tend to speak, and write, passionately and you can't do that in newspapers. You have to be balanced, you have to be objective, which is a ludicrous concept if you think about it (how can a subjective being be objective?) and it annoys me more than anything.
Secondly, I am really, really, phenomenally bad at taking quotes. Shorthand is supposed to be a help in this, but if anything, it's a hindrance, at least it is to me. Not entirely sure how learning what is essentially a second language is supposed to help me take things down quicker than I could in my "native" tongue. That's not fair though, I guess, I've seen how quick it can be, it's just me, I can't do that, my brain isn't fast enough in that regard. I can't marry that specific, instinctive reaction to the mechanical skill.
I am a bit slow, a bit plodding, when it comes to writing. I tend to write and rewrite and rewrite again because what I have initially wrote is not what I meant or doesn't flow well. So far in this very blog I've gone back over it and deleted and rewrote at least four paragraphs and countless sentences. It's something that can't really be done with news copy, you can maybe get away with a few grammatical errors, but it's got to be done quickly and to a formula. It's not writing, as such, it's working to a formula, which I think is actually my main criticism of it and is probably *the* reason why I have considered changing course. There's no need to understand a story, there are the facts, you get them down, you get them sent out. It's also affecting my writing ability, I've gone from a quite complex style to a more simplified one, and I don't like it! I'm making far more grammatical errors than I used to because I'm second guessing myself, I'm not using as many literary allusions because outside of editorials they have no place, it's so annoying!
These are just musings though. I'm not changing course, mainly because next year I get to do broadcast work, i.e. the stuff I am actually interested in doing. It's kind of weird that the first year would put so much emphasis on what is a dying medium (that is to say, print) and basically nothing on television, radio and relatively little on on-line publishing. The other factor to consider is...fuck it, you know, it's another style of writing. It doesn't hurt to have another weapon in my locker when I do get into writing full time.
...plus it'll definitely be better next year, no more shorthand....later taters!
This month (and well, to be fair, a week or two of April) is full fit to bursting with essays and news stories to be written and exams to be completed and portfolios to be submitted and lions and tigers and bears, oh my! It's a lot of work, to be sure and I, in true Terencian fashion (yep, my name can now also be used as an adjective), am resisting the call to work because it's not yet the last moment to do everything. Which, I know, is a very stupid thing to do.
To be entirely honest, I've been contemplating changing course. Not altogether seriously, but when I find myself in the wee hours of the night, sat at my desk, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a gun to my head in the other because I can't find a solitary news story (scenario may not be entirely factual) I sometimes do think, maybe, just maybe, this isn't for me.
I don't doubt that others have had this thought, not just on my course, but on every course. A "maybe the grass is greener" kind of thought about other paths, and as it gets closer and closer to the end of the year I find myself thinking more and more about it. Mainly because you can only get student loans for three years plus one, (I assume that plus one is there as a safety net should you only just fail the first year and are allowed to return, or you want to try a different course) so after this year it would be kind of hard to finance a jaunt through the third year.
What's making me doubt my ability to do well at this is, well, a lot of things really, but principally it comes down to two things. Firstly, I'm inexact. I tend to speak, and write, passionately and you can't do that in newspapers. You have to be balanced, you have to be objective, which is a ludicrous concept if you think about it (how can a subjective being be objective?) and it annoys me more than anything.
Secondly, I am really, really, phenomenally bad at taking quotes. Shorthand is supposed to be a help in this, but if anything, it's a hindrance, at least it is to me. Not entirely sure how learning what is essentially a second language is supposed to help me take things down quicker than I could in my "native" tongue. That's not fair though, I guess, I've seen how quick it can be, it's just me, I can't do that, my brain isn't fast enough in that regard. I can't marry that specific, instinctive reaction to the mechanical skill.
I am a bit slow, a bit plodding, when it comes to writing. I tend to write and rewrite and rewrite again because what I have initially wrote is not what I meant or doesn't flow well. So far in this very blog I've gone back over it and deleted and rewrote at least four paragraphs and countless sentences. It's something that can't really be done with news copy, you can maybe get away with a few grammatical errors, but it's got to be done quickly and to a formula. It's not writing, as such, it's working to a formula, which I think is actually my main criticism of it and is probably *the* reason why I have considered changing course. There's no need to understand a story, there are the facts, you get them down, you get them sent out. It's also affecting my writing ability, I've gone from a quite complex style to a more simplified one, and I don't like it! I'm making far more grammatical errors than I used to because I'm second guessing myself, I'm not using as many literary allusions because outside of editorials they have no place, it's so annoying!
These are just musings though. I'm not changing course, mainly because next year I get to do broadcast work, i.e. the stuff I am actually interested in doing. It's kind of weird that the first year would put so much emphasis on what is a dying medium (that is to say, print) and basically nothing on television, radio and relatively little on on-line publishing. The other factor to consider is...fuck it, you know, it's another style of writing. It doesn't hurt to have another weapon in my locker when I do get into writing full time.
...plus it'll definitely be better next year, no more shorthand....later taters!
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
The inexactitude of belief
I know everything. This is not a hyperbolic statement. There is a universe full of knowledge, from the grandiose to the minute, and I know all of it.
Or rather, I talk as if I do. It's a real problem for me and I know it annoys people because I do just go on and on when I probably should have stopped speaking about three sentences back. Quite often I don't back down on a subject even if I know little about the subject or can only half remember it.
Trust me, it's (about) as annoying for me as it could ever be for you. I loath ignorance and will feign knowledge on a subject or topic rather than admit I don't know anything about it, and you know, normally, I'll be able to actually add something even if only on a basic level...and the other person themselves doesn't know too much about the subject...
But then I'll get into that conversation, that debate or argument, with a person who is actually truly knowledgeable in that area and I have been known to say things that only an idiot would say. Contradictory corollaries, tenebrous tautologies, appalling alliteration...I've done it all and more!
The thing I consider to be the worst is that if I forget something, which is often (my memory is atrocious...I think, I can never remember if I'm forgetful or not), and it's clear to the person I'm talking to that I've forgotten, and should stop speaking, I don't...I go on...and often contradict what has been said before.
Partly, I think this comes from when I was a child. At said stage of development I had this tendency to just end sentences abruptly. I would practically go mute mid-sentence, seemingly. Which annoyed people as you can probably imagine. So I worked on it, but like everything I do work on properly, I ended up over doing it and so now you have the verbose god you now see before you (or imagine seeing...you guys and gals do imagine seeing me saying all this right? Or hear me at least? Are you sure though? Is my accent really like that? I'm messing with your mind with my wizard powers!)...well, sometimes anyway.
I noticed the over-talking thing was also annoying people, so I dialled it back but I got caught in a weird kind of linguistic limbo where sometimes I can be too garrulous whilst other times just kind of trailing....
Yes, I do know that that is how people operate, you, normal people, with your regular appendages and your standard ways of being....disgusting, eugh...but what I mean is that I tend to go from one extreme to the other sometimes in the same conversation which is odd, so people do give me that weird look...or rather the normal look one does give a weird person. Or sometimes, and this is becoming increasingly recurrent, a look of pity, as though to say "oh, you poor brain damaged boy you....how do you tie your shoe laces in the morning." (I actually don't wear shoes, ever since I heard the story about the Gordian Knot I've not been allowed near rope, string, scarves wrapped around people's necks, ties or wires...what I'm supposed to do? Sit there and untie them when a good chopping will do?! No sir, not this gentlemen, not I!)
So, to bring this full circle, I started this off with a very tongue in cheek statement. I do not know everything. (What?! Stop the presses!) I mean, don't get me wrong, I know a lot, probably a hell of a lot more than the regular person and that's not big headed (well, it is, but...) it just is. But here's the thing, it's, generally speaking, a basic knowledge. I tend to skim the outlines of a subject rather than go into depth on the subject itself, so I know a little about a lot whilst it could be argued that that's useless when compared to knowing a lot about little. Jack of all trades, master of none kind of deal. I used that tale of the Gordian Knot in the last paragraph. I know what the story is, in essence, there was an un-doable knot, some versions it was around a treasure chest, some it was tied to a cart, and many people had tried to untie it and failed until some clever bugger, sometimes Alexander the Great, sometimes Heracles, doesn't waste time fiddling with it, he just cuts through it with his sword. Problem solved. The point is I know the outline of the story, I know what happened, and I know who did what and how/why, but I can guarantee that if I was telling this story as an actual story, I would go on and on about irrelevant details and get some major ones wrong. Like, it's a Greek story, but I'll call Heracles by his Roman name (The more popularly known Hercules) or something...when it's a nothing story like that though it doesn't matter if I get that small detail wrong, but I do it on other, far more important things.
Anyway, I've rambled enough for one night (some would say enough for two, or even more!) so yeah, I'm off, later taters.
ABRUPT ENDING!
Or rather, I talk as if I do. It's a real problem for me and I know it annoys people because I do just go on and on when I probably should have stopped speaking about three sentences back. Quite often I don't back down on a subject even if I know little about the subject or can only half remember it.
Trust me, it's (about) as annoying for me as it could ever be for you. I loath ignorance and will feign knowledge on a subject or topic rather than admit I don't know anything about it, and you know, normally, I'll be able to actually add something even if only on a basic level...and the other person themselves doesn't know too much about the subject...
But then I'll get into that conversation, that debate or argument, with a person who is actually truly knowledgeable in that area and I have been known to say things that only an idiot would say. Contradictory corollaries, tenebrous tautologies, appalling alliteration...I've done it all and more!
The thing I consider to be the worst is that if I forget something, which is often (my memory is atrocious...I think, I can never remember if I'm forgetful or not), and it's clear to the person I'm talking to that I've forgotten, and should stop speaking, I don't...I go on...and often contradict what has been said before.
Partly, I think this comes from when I was a child. At said stage of development I had this tendency to just end sentences abruptly. I would practically go mute mid-sentence, seemingly. Which annoyed people as you can probably imagine. So I worked on it, but like everything I do work on properly, I ended up over doing it and so now you have the verbose god you now see before you (or imagine seeing...you guys and gals do imagine seeing me saying all this right? Or hear me at least? Are you sure though? Is my accent really like that? I'm messing with your mind with my wizard powers!)...well, sometimes anyway.
I noticed the over-talking thing was also annoying people, so I dialled it back but I got caught in a weird kind of linguistic limbo where sometimes I can be too garrulous whilst other times just kind of trailing....
Yes, I do know that that is how people operate, you, normal people, with your regular appendages and your standard ways of being....disgusting, eugh...but what I mean is that I tend to go from one extreme to the other sometimes in the same conversation which is odd, so people do give me that weird look...or rather the normal look one does give a weird person. Or sometimes, and this is becoming increasingly recurrent, a look of pity, as though to say "oh, you poor brain damaged boy you....how do you tie your shoe laces in the morning." (I actually don't wear shoes, ever since I heard the story about the Gordian Knot I've not been allowed near rope, string, scarves wrapped around people's necks, ties or wires...what I'm supposed to do? Sit there and untie them when a good chopping will do?! No sir, not this gentlemen, not I!)
So, to bring this full circle, I started this off with a very tongue in cheek statement. I do not know everything. (What?! Stop the presses!) I mean, don't get me wrong, I know a lot, probably a hell of a lot more than the regular person and that's not big headed (well, it is, but...) it just is. But here's the thing, it's, generally speaking, a basic knowledge. I tend to skim the outlines of a subject rather than go into depth on the subject itself, so I know a little about a lot whilst it could be argued that that's useless when compared to knowing a lot about little. Jack of all trades, master of none kind of deal. I used that tale of the Gordian Knot in the last paragraph. I know what the story is, in essence, there was an un-doable knot, some versions it was around a treasure chest, some it was tied to a cart, and many people had tried to untie it and failed until some clever bugger, sometimes Alexander the Great, sometimes Heracles, doesn't waste time fiddling with it, he just cuts through it with his sword. Problem solved. The point is I know the outline of the story, I know what happened, and I know who did what and how/why, but I can guarantee that if I was telling this story as an actual story, I would go on and on about irrelevant details and get some major ones wrong. Like, it's a Greek story, but I'll call Heracles by his Roman name (The more popularly known Hercules) or something...when it's a nothing story like that though it doesn't matter if I get that small detail wrong, but I do it on other, far more important things.
Anyway, I've rambled enough for one night (some would say enough for two, or even more!) so yeah, I'm off, later taters.
ABRUPT ENDING!
Saturday, 22 February 2014
Like a laser
It's the bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded, two outs and I'm up to bat and that's when I suddenly realise that I don't know anything about baseball other than this cliché, is it good that the bases are loaded? Is it bad? What are they loaded with? Cheese? Marshmallow? The mix of pride and self- loathing a parent feels toward a child who has achieved more in their short lives than said parent ever did or, indeed, could???
The point is I'm procrastinating. I do this often. When I'm bored, when I'm excited, when I'm sad, happy or any point in between, I will procrastinate. It's not that I'm lazy, I'm really not...there's just only so much attention I can give to a task before ooh, hey, shiny! I see a new thing and I'm off to do that. I blame video-games. Well, games in general to be honest. That and books, and movies, and cooking, and cleaning and and the world, nay, the universe in fact! Stop being so damned interesting, you fool!
Mostly I do stay on top of my procrastinating, even if it does mean that I don't get things done until the very last moment, and of course, there is always another very last moment. Truth be told, I'm actually scared that one day it's going to bite me in the arse. See, so far, I've always managed to find that last moment, pull it out in the clutch scenario like the cliché I opened this piece with (I do actually understand baseball, to my everlasting shame, I can't help it, I'm addicted to learning crap yo!) and that's cool and all. Then, after the dust has settled and I've relaxed a bit I always say "next time, I'll do it with time to spare, no! With plenty of time to spare in fact!" and I don't, because I am me and I will always leave things to the last moment, always and every time, even the times where I do not do so.
My current problem is a presentation I'm working on. I'm doing a portion of it, looking at regulation in television media during the 60s and 70s, and there's a fair amount of stuff to sift through, but most of it is junk in terms of relating to the actual question. Bloody interesting to read through though. Which is why I've been procrastinating, why I've been off doing other things instead of doing this work, it allows me time to refocus, get back on track. The less time I have to complete the work, the more precise I'm forced to be, the better I am at discarding useless (though oh so interesting) information and picking only the juiciest, most delectable facts.
...at least that's how I justify it to myself....it's more probable that I am severely unfocussed and whilst this topic is interesting, it's only interesting in a broader scope. It's like someone hands you a sandwich but then tells you you can only eat the crusts. Now, don't get me wrong, the crusts are vital, I understand why they are there (to keep the gooey innards of the sandwich from leaking out....what? It's not a real sandwich if its innards don't squirt! jeez, you people and your prim and proper "deli sandwiches" I don't know what the world is coming to....anyway), but it's really the whole of the sandwich you're interested in. Looking at one part of a subject in great detail is great and I can understand it, but honestly, I'd rather just have the whole thing instead of one piece.
Certainly in this presentation. A lot happened in the 60s and 70s, that's for sure, but the really interesting stuff in television happened in the decades surrounding it (i.e. the 50s and 80s) at least, that's how it seems to be from what I can find on the subject. It's like regulation started in the 50s, didn't change all that much unto the mid 70s and that change (from what I can find) was mostly incidental...just five years more on the span and I could take about it detail, but no, got to stick to those decades....then you've got the UK media ignoring of the troubles in Northern Ireland. In Irish television, big deal, in UK nothing really significant happened until 1979 with the Carrickmore incident...which is great, but I can't really talk about one year in a two decade span for all that long, even if it was significant.
I feel like I'm missing something, something obvious. I got the BBC director general greene, the pilkington committee and ITN being all like "Here's the News at Ten, bitches!" and that, and the aforementioned pieces of info, but that can't be it, there has to be something bigger than this because this is small stuff that's fairly interesting but it's not...well...big...it's not revolutionary and why look at this era if the only salient points are "tvs got cheaper and more colourful so more people went there for news"
...or maybe I'm over-thinking it and I'm over-rating the 60s/70s importance as basically everyone seems to do because the baby-boomer generation was the beeeest, they even say so themselves so it must be true! Ah the well, I've had a nice little vent, so I'm going back to it now, later taters.
The point is I'm procrastinating. I do this often. When I'm bored, when I'm excited, when I'm sad, happy or any point in between, I will procrastinate. It's not that I'm lazy, I'm really not...there's just only so much attention I can give to a task before ooh, hey, shiny! I see a new thing and I'm off to do that. I blame video-games. Well, games in general to be honest. That and books, and movies, and cooking, and cleaning and and the world, nay, the universe in fact! Stop being so damned interesting, you fool!
Mostly I do stay on top of my procrastinating, even if it does mean that I don't get things done until the very last moment, and of course, there is always another very last moment. Truth be told, I'm actually scared that one day it's going to bite me in the arse. See, so far, I've always managed to find that last moment, pull it out in the clutch scenario like the cliché I opened this piece with (I do actually understand baseball, to my everlasting shame, I can't help it, I'm addicted to learning crap yo!) and that's cool and all. Then, after the dust has settled and I've relaxed a bit I always say "next time, I'll do it with time to spare, no! With plenty of time to spare in fact!" and I don't, because I am me and I will always leave things to the last moment, always and every time, even the times where I do not do so.
My current problem is a presentation I'm working on. I'm doing a portion of it, looking at regulation in television media during the 60s and 70s, and there's a fair amount of stuff to sift through, but most of it is junk in terms of relating to the actual question. Bloody interesting to read through though. Which is why I've been procrastinating, why I've been off doing other things instead of doing this work, it allows me time to refocus, get back on track. The less time I have to complete the work, the more precise I'm forced to be, the better I am at discarding useless (though oh so interesting) information and picking only the juiciest, most delectable facts.
...at least that's how I justify it to myself....it's more probable that I am severely unfocussed and whilst this topic is interesting, it's only interesting in a broader scope. It's like someone hands you a sandwich but then tells you you can only eat the crusts. Now, don't get me wrong, the crusts are vital, I understand why they are there (to keep the gooey innards of the sandwich from leaking out....what? It's not a real sandwich if its innards don't squirt! jeez, you people and your prim and proper "deli sandwiches" I don't know what the world is coming to....anyway), but it's really the whole of the sandwich you're interested in. Looking at one part of a subject in great detail is great and I can understand it, but honestly, I'd rather just have the whole thing instead of one piece.
Certainly in this presentation. A lot happened in the 60s and 70s, that's for sure, but the really interesting stuff in television happened in the decades surrounding it (i.e. the 50s and 80s) at least, that's how it seems to be from what I can find on the subject. It's like regulation started in the 50s, didn't change all that much unto the mid 70s and that change (from what I can find) was mostly incidental...just five years more on the span and I could take about it detail, but no, got to stick to those decades....then you've got the UK media ignoring of the troubles in Northern Ireland. In Irish television, big deal, in UK nothing really significant happened until 1979 with the Carrickmore incident...which is great, but I can't really talk about one year in a two decade span for all that long, even if it was significant.
I feel like I'm missing something, something obvious. I got the BBC director general greene, the pilkington committee and ITN being all like "Here's the News at Ten, bitches!" and that, and the aforementioned pieces of info, but that can't be it, there has to be something bigger than this because this is small stuff that's fairly interesting but it's not...well...big...it's not revolutionary and why look at this era if the only salient points are "tvs got cheaper and more colourful so more people went there for news"
...or maybe I'm over-thinking it and I'm over-rating the 60s/70s importance as basically everyone seems to do because the baby-boomer generation was the beeeest, they even say so themselves so it must be true! Ah the well, I've had a nice little vent, so I'm going back to it now, later taters.
Friday, 21 February 2014
Missed opportunities
I had a dream last night. In the dream, I was many things; a
zombie hunter, an ex-footballer, a theosophy expert and much more...It annoyed
me. It annoyed me because I look back at those things with (zombie hunter aside,
because, you know, there are no real zombies...yet...) and it saddens me that I
probably should have followed through with them.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy with the path I am
currently on. I think I've mentioned previously that I've wanted to be a
journalist since about the age of 14 and I've worked hard to turn around my
life and get it back on track, so yeah, I am happy on that front.
It's just that I think about all the opportunities that I
spurned. I wouldn't have had to do this series of trials if I had just chosen
to do the right thing at the right time. When I was but a wee, young Terence, I
got into a prestigious athletics club on merit. My running times (for my age at
the time) put me in the top 2% nationwide. The club found me at a cross-country
event my school was a part of, they offered to give me training and these people
were the guys who send people to the Olympics. I turned them down, well, actually,
I just stopped going after the first or second meet. My mother always thought
it was because my friend (who was also picked) stopped going, but really, I was
just lazy.
There was another time where I very nearly got a trial for
Liverpool FC. At a school game, there was a scout for the club watching. I was
noticed and they got in touch with my family over it. Now, the football team at
my school was a shambles, they played maybe four matches a year, and the team
was picked by the...let's be polite and say...less civilised students....the
students whose brains rebelled whenever they were forced to think...anyway, so
the scout asked if I played for a local youth team and could they come and
watch. "No, he doesn't play for a local team" "Can he sign up
for one?" "I'll ask and get back to you." So they asked and I
said no because of two reasons, one, laziness and two, it meant being awkward
in a new social environment.
I'm not saying that if I'd have followed through with either
of those things I'd be at the summer Olympics or playing for Liverpool or
whoever, it's entirely possible, if not probable, that I would have failed or
at least be one of those who didn't quite make it to the highest level but
kicks about in the minor leagues. I'm just annoyed at myself for not taking the
opportunity, you know. Because, if you look at it, I kept getting these
opportunities. In school I was offered a chance to take part in a cooking
contest to earn a chef's apprenticeship with the Marriot, didn't take it up,
even though I was begged to do it. Another chance I had was to go to Bluecoats
private school; I had the results for it, but decided against taking the actual
test because reasons I guess. Then there was the time Liverpool Community
College bent the rules, twice, to get me back in after I left halfway through
the year, twice, because laziness. Then there are all the other times...
I kept getting opportunities and...I think that's what did
me in. Now, a little disclaimer for the next part. I am only blaming myself
here, others may have had a hand in it, but it was entirely how I reacted to
that that was my downfall...okay? I think it was down to being given these
opportunities time after time that led me to becoming so lazy and indecisive. I
mean, imagine it. Day after day, week after week, you have people telling you
how brilliant you are, you are getting offers from Liverpool Harriers,
Liverpool Football Club, renowned private schools and the rest. Sure, things
aren't perfect, but they are working out in everything else, so it will all
click into place right? She's not noticing you yet, but she will, one day.
Those bullies are only jealous because they don't have your future, they are
unwanted by anyone, they don't get the opportunities you've been given and will
continue to be given. Sure, your home-life isn't fantastic, but who cares
right, you'll be out of that house the second you turn 18, never to come
back....
Then you fail. Your GCSE's aren't quite what you expected
because you didn't put in the work because people had been telling you all
throughout your school life that it would be easy for you. The girl of your dreams
then takes a shit on your heart. Then slowly but surely everything starts to
fall apart. The course you were on is pulled, the jobs you apply for reject
you, most of your friends are gone, abandoned you. You mope around the home you
hate, in a fugue state, barely reacting to the world outside. From a lifetime
of opportunities freely given you now find yourself shuffling listlessly
through the days, having never had to motivate yourself to achieve, you wait
for the opportunity to arrive rather than actually going out to look for it.
It is a horrible existence. It was a horrible existence.
People have tried to make light of it by saying that it is in the past, that
perhaps having gone through it has made me mentally tougher, that things happen
for a reason...and maybe they do, but still, I would much rather have just
taken what was presented to me all those years ago instead of making mistake
after mistake until I could, quite possibly literally, make no more...and yet I
still seem to do.
Monday, 17 February 2014
On the subject of death.
Man, I am bored to death, literal death, I am a ghost now. Just, you know, haunting the internet, death ain't so bad. No bills to worry about, no debt, well, no financial debt, there's like sinners debt and demons do keep trying to catch me and drag me to Hell to settle it, but I'm too wily for them! I have sick cunning skills, you don't even know!
But yeah, it is boring, you know, because eternity is a long time to have about, yeah you can go anywhere, do anything, see everything because you've got that time, but it does tend to end up as "meh, I'll do it tomorrow" and suddenly the thing has turned to dust and hell, even the continent in which the thing was in no longer exists because you put it off so much because there was always a later thing...time could be wasted...
It's why death always scared me...not the sudden cessation of knowing, of being, that scares me as well, but not nearly as much as eternal life, because it would be, well, Hell, pun partially intended. No matter what it was, it could be the raddest, most entertaining thing ever. It could be jet-propelled skateboarding super models flinging angel cakes into your open mouth whilst your back is being rubbed by other models whose hands are made out of the feeling you get resting your head on the cool side of a pillow...and there's a fucking giraffe! But all that wouldn't matter because it'd get boring, and yeah you can change, but you've got forever, the only impetus to change would be yourself. It wouldn't be forced upon you, so you would become complacent.
How do I know that? Because look at everyone! People watch the same shit day in, day out, watch the same television programmes, read essentially the same stories, play the same games, everything, and that's with an actual time limit imposed on them that yes, the brain does its level best to obviate, but even still! Even if we don't like something, we'll carry on doing it just because, and only change that when something reminds us that our time is short, maybe a pain in the chest, or you have difficulty running for the bus, oh shit, better start exercising, but then if you had eternity...meh, I'll get around to it later...
Of course, that could just be related to my own experiences, what I've seen of the world, who knows? It could be that there are people out there who have the long term vision to actually enjoy eternity. I can't remember where it is, but I know there is at least one culture out there that has the concept of time being a complete none issue. They see things not in the sense of "this thing will happen tomorrow" but rather "This thing has happened but I'm not at that point". In other words, they see their lives as a whole, even the crap that hasn't happened yet, and it's better for them in some regards. Because they invest in stuff for their future, and I don't mean like putting money aside for a rainy day or whatever, I mean, they see it in a more complete sense.
They're not putting money aside for some hypothetical scenario, they put it aside because they know their lives exist beyond that moment....and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we don't know that our lives exist beyond this moment, but our culture is heavily biased toward the short term. "I'll do this, so I can do this and then I can do this..." Instead of a defined end-goal, it's based around getting to checkpoints, which means it's easier to fall off a project. "Hey, I got to the ninth stage, there's only thirteen, that's pretty good!" Or worse than that is the curious case of "Well, if I drink my own weight in tequila today, sure, it'll suck for future me tomorrow morning, but the me that I am right now will have a very good time!"
So imagine the scenario where checkpoints are irrelevant because time is irrelevant because you have literally all the time there is in existence, hell, even more because you know, infinite. Like I said, we are a checkpoint culture, but how can you mark against infinity? "Well, when I get to the halfway point of infinity I'll go back to college and get my diploma." Say that out loud and in earnest and I think the universe eats you. Literally. It spontaneously grows a mouth, with lips and teeth and even a tongue and then it sweeps you up, chews for a while, then swallows you down, then disappears whilst grumbling under its breath that now it has got the taste of idiot stuck on its breath and that it now needs a mint.
So anyway, I'm bored, still, so I'm off to go do something, before I run out of time to do it. Which is the way I would want it to be. Later taters.
PS: Yeah, sorry for not updating, I've been feeling really shitty these last couple of months and not feeling much like writing. Nothings especially wrong, but very little is going right as well, and yeah, in any case, depression rarely needs a reason to kick a man to the kerb and piss in his mouth.
But yeah, it is boring, you know, because eternity is a long time to have about, yeah you can go anywhere, do anything, see everything because you've got that time, but it does tend to end up as "meh, I'll do it tomorrow" and suddenly the thing has turned to dust and hell, even the continent in which the thing was in no longer exists because you put it off so much because there was always a later thing...time could be wasted...
It's why death always scared me...not the sudden cessation of knowing, of being, that scares me as well, but not nearly as much as eternal life, because it would be, well, Hell, pun partially intended. No matter what it was, it could be the raddest, most entertaining thing ever. It could be jet-propelled skateboarding super models flinging angel cakes into your open mouth whilst your back is being rubbed by other models whose hands are made out of the feeling you get resting your head on the cool side of a pillow...and there's a fucking giraffe! But all that wouldn't matter because it'd get boring, and yeah you can change, but you've got forever, the only impetus to change would be yourself. It wouldn't be forced upon you, so you would become complacent.
How do I know that? Because look at everyone! People watch the same shit day in, day out, watch the same television programmes, read essentially the same stories, play the same games, everything, and that's with an actual time limit imposed on them that yes, the brain does its level best to obviate, but even still! Even if we don't like something, we'll carry on doing it just because, and only change that when something reminds us that our time is short, maybe a pain in the chest, or you have difficulty running for the bus, oh shit, better start exercising, but then if you had eternity...meh, I'll get around to it later...
Of course, that could just be related to my own experiences, what I've seen of the world, who knows? It could be that there are people out there who have the long term vision to actually enjoy eternity. I can't remember where it is, but I know there is at least one culture out there that has the concept of time being a complete none issue. They see things not in the sense of "this thing will happen tomorrow" but rather "This thing has happened but I'm not at that point". In other words, they see their lives as a whole, even the crap that hasn't happened yet, and it's better for them in some regards. Because they invest in stuff for their future, and I don't mean like putting money aside for a rainy day or whatever, I mean, they see it in a more complete sense.
They're not putting money aside for some hypothetical scenario, they put it aside because they know their lives exist beyond that moment....and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we don't know that our lives exist beyond this moment, but our culture is heavily biased toward the short term. "I'll do this, so I can do this and then I can do this..." Instead of a defined end-goal, it's based around getting to checkpoints, which means it's easier to fall off a project. "Hey, I got to the ninth stage, there's only thirteen, that's pretty good!" Or worse than that is the curious case of "Well, if I drink my own weight in tequila today, sure, it'll suck for future me tomorrow morning, but the me that I am right now will have a very good time!"
So imagine the scenario where checkpoints are irrelevant because time is irrelevant because you have literally all the time there is in existence, hell, even more because you know, infinite. Like I said, we are a checkpoint culture, but how can you mark against infinity? "Well, when I get to the halfway point of infinity I'll go back to college and get my diploma." Say that out loud and in earnest and I think the universe eats you. Literally. It spontaneously grows a mouth, with lips and teeth and even a tongue and then it sweeps you up, chews for a while, then swallows you down, then disappears whilst grumbling under its breath that now it has got the taste of idiot stuck on its breath and that it now needs a mint.
So anyway, I'm bored, still, so I'm off to go do something, before I run out of time to do it. Which is the way I would want it to be. Later taters.
PS: Yeah, sorry for not updating, I've been feeling really shitty these last couple of months and not feeling much like writing. Nothings especially wrong, but very little is going right as well, and yeah, in any case, depression rarely needs a reason to kick a man to the kerb and piss in his mouth.
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