Death and other things.

Lately, I've been thinking of death. Not in a big way or anything, just in the way where one is falling to sleep then jolts awake when the thought "oh crap, I'm mortal, one day I will no longer be!" pops into one's head. 

It's annoying. I really do jolt awake, I'll be there, slipping off into sleep then boom! My brain says in a creepy voice "Hey, bitch..." and I say "...yeah?" and it replies "You gonna die!" and I sit up and make a kind of mewling noise and stare at my hand, touch the walls, pick up a book or whatever, just something to convince myself that I'm still here, that things are real. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining as such. I've had those thoughts/reactions to said thoughts for pretty much as long as I can remember and they used to be more frequent to the point where I'd have them every night. Now it's only like once or twice a week so yeah, that's a marked improvement. It's just this last week that they've become a regular reoccurring thing again. Mostly, it's down to university. I might actually fail this year. I wouldn't be so arsed because I don't even want to go onto the second year of this course, but I need to pass it to get onto the first year of my new course. I didn't learn this until quite recently, after I'd pretty much given up any pretence of caring for the current course. So I was way, way, WAY behind on work and knowledge of what I needed to do and I know, don't misconstrue this, I am blaming myself entirely for it. I counted my chickens before they were hatched, ate my goose before it was cooked and other such avian related metaphors on making poor assumptions.

This, of course, leads to stress. I'm having to make up a lot of ground in things I don't want to, or even can't really, do and it's not really going fantastically well, no, not well at all. Which leads to me being awake, depressed, fatalistic, at five in the morning. Then, when I do get to sleep, I have anxiety inducing, cryptic dreams about, well, everything. I can't even explain. Like, last night I had this dream I was at a formal party and this girl I once knew was there and we got to talking, but she was a completely different person. It was someone I really cared about, I hadn't seen her in quite a few years, she had, literally, a new face, a new personality, new mannerisms, almost entirely different to the person I knew, but it was still her, and in the dream she tried to engage with me but I rejected her. Obviously that wasn't the only thing, there was also a part about being a vampire and trying to sell a castle but being unable to let go of it. 

From them it's easy to see what the problem is. Holding onto the past, incapable of accepting change and moving on. But then, maybe it's the other way. Maybe it's that I should be holding onto the past. I mean, I do tend to stop and drop things pretty abruptly, simply letting things go because it's easier than holding on. I don't know, I'm starting to hate going to sleep though, again, which is something I thought I'd gotten over.

As I've said in other pieces, depression is something you don't really ever get over. The best you can do is suppress it for a while. At the end of it, those thoughts always come back. The ones about not being good enough for anything, anyone, the thoughts about how insanely close to oblivion everything just is, so what's the point of anything.

I can feel it there, at the back of my mind. I think it's there at the back of everyone's mind. At least, I'd like to assume so, because then it would mean I'm less crazy by virtue of everyone else being crazy too and, you know, that shits relative. It's frustrating though. Every time, I fuck up. Not other people, me. Myself. I. Who knows, maybe Douglas Adams was right with the other Trillian thing. You know, if there was another you created who, in their life, had made the opposite choices to yours, they'd wish they made the choices you made. In other words, we'd both regret the choices made....grass is always greener is what I'm trying to say in my own, distinctively obtuse way. I don't know. Can't find out. Just nice to think that no matter what I'd be fucked up anyway, right?

But yeah, it's always my mistake. It might sound egotistical, or conceited, but honestly, I've basically been in control of my own life my whole life, people have bent over backwards to help me and all I've done is piss on their help. All I ever had to do was be something slightly other than myself and I might actually be somewhere right now. Hell, even these diatribes are a lesson in self-gratification aren't they. I could stop writing them, right now, could not post it. But I'm going to, aren't I? The whole world must know and read about the all Great and Powerful Terence...though I'm sure they won't. Maybe it's a cry for help. I don't know, I have a bad time actually asking for help. Maybe, I really don't know. Indirect, perhaps. Not that I think anyone really could, or indeed, even should because I think that way. 

I better get to work, increasingly disjointed rant over.  

Xbox One: A rope of Sand

I hate talking about self indulgences. No, wait, that's an absolute lie, I love talking self indulgently. Everyone does it, talking about things that make them happy in some way. Even if it's just talking about "ooh, we've got to help the farmland critters from being made into tasty treats and wearable cleats!" people only talk about that because it makes them happy in some way. Whether it is the thing itself or the reaction they get from talking about, pretty much every conversation is self indulgent. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, it's basic pride and yes, in general, we're taught that pride is a bad thing, a sin even. So we talk about the little sins, the peccadilloes, the little things that we can take a small amount of pride in because modesty is so much better which leads me to the Xbox One.

For those of you unaware of what the Xbox One is, it is the third video game console (I know, why is it called the One if it's the third...I'll get back to that...) by the mega-corporation Microsoft, who brought you other such fantastic things as Windows 8 (you mean people on desktop pcs didn't want tablet software running their systems?!) and the Zune (which, by all accounts, was actually a decent piece of hardware, just had the bad luck of running against the apple-ites) and okay, yeah they did do good things like basically popularise home computing and make the industry what it is today.

The Xbox One is the third machine they made for the sole purpose of playing video games...well, I say sole, they actually marketed it as a home media centre, able to watch tv, play games, listen to music etc. i.e. a machine that does the function of several machines, an "all in one machine" if you will (and that, my friends, is where the name comes from, told you I'd get back to that!), which, if you're a gamer like I am, was a worrying noise for Microsoft to be making. It makes sense from a business sense, more generalised content means more sales right? But it also means a lower degree of emphasis on video games, you know, the thing that made the previous console (the Xbox 360) a genuine contender for the crown of Console King (what is a handheld gamer to a console king, what is a console king to a PC God?! I joke, I joke, all three types have merit to them....unlike tablet/mobile gaming, fuck those so called "games") and it shows.

Well, that's not entirely true. The thing that is really hurting the Xbox One at the moment is a lack of titles. Surely this a result of Microsoft's broadening of their scope for the console. Not exactly. The Playstation 4, it's prime opponent (Nintendo, with the Wii-U, just sits in the corner with its fingers in its ears, repeating over and over to itself that "gamers just want more mario with more costumes, more mario, more costumes, more mario, more mario, more mario...") who in the lead up to both consoles release dates put the emphasis on gaming, again and again, and mocked and derided the TV-centric model of the Microsoft effort.

Yet, here we are, five months down the line and both systems don't really have that "game", that title that sells systems. As good as Titanfall is, all the great publicity it gets, is basically for naught. It's available on Xbox One, sure, but it's also available on PC and even the Xbox 360. The PS4's major release, Infamous: Second Son looks fairly fun (on a more personal note, it looks to me like Aaron Paul with Powers simulator, which, if they had followed that path, would have been a far greater title) but in terms of enticing people on the fence to buy a £350+ console for? Don't get me wrong, I bought an Xbox One partially on the back of the Titanfall release, but mostly it was out of a desire to throw my hat into the ring now. I'll be buying a PS4 somewhere down the line, but that the Xbox One, Microsoft, who disregarded games in basically all their speeches have that slight edge at this point in the race (an edge that will continue to grow as shown in this video), are moving back to games being the focus, its a good time to be a console gamer. 

At least, it will be, when we actually get some decent titles out, come on man, give me something I can't live without, not a numbered sports title/last gen port like what we currently have! Later taters!

Flip-floppity

Remember how I said in my last post (what? you don't remember? did you even read it?! I am disappointed in you, tut tut and for shame, I say, for shame...) I wouldn't be changing course...well...turns out I may have been a little too hasty in stating that. 

Yes, I am changing course (hopefully, I've made the application, met the tutors and been accepted onto the new course, pending successful completion of this year, but still something may go wrong), moving on, setting sail and other such sayings that indicate movement from one state to another. I discussed what I didn't like about this Journalism course in my previous blog (please, please read it! Every time I write one of these things and don't get readers, I die a little...partly metaphorically and partly literally as the boss pours black scorpions down my shirt and ooh how the toxin burns...aka, HELP!) but to briefly outline the main reasons:

1) Spending teaching time on shorthand is, in my opinion, stupid...it's taught entirely from a book, it's time wasted having someone teach it. Could use that time on something else. Have shorthand as ongoing homework or whatever.

2) I dislike the moral ambiguity of "chasing stories". Going after information for the sake of knowledge is something I'm cool with. Going after it, not to learn, but to sell stories is abhorrent.

3) It's writing Jim, but not as we know it. Writing is an art form. News Writing is a science. There is a formula to follow each and every time and that is heartbreaking for me.

Anyway, there are other reasons, but yeah, those are probably the main ones. Well, that plus how the course is set up...bits of it just don't make sense, like the shorthand I mentioned, but also...well, we've got an assessment coming up where part of it is using voice recorders and cameras...but there's been barely any training on them. I recognise that teaching time is limited, but surely if something is going to be assessed it warrants a bit more than a one hour session that only covered the absolute basics and even then missed some points out. Luckily I have my own gear so I should be okay for it, but others? 

I don't know, maybe the pay off is in the second and third year, but honestly, I don't feel like I've learnt anything this year. In fact, I feel like I've regressed because I've not been engaging my brain as much as I did in college. 

Or maybe it just isn't for me, I don't know, it wouldn't be the first time I've been completely wrong with my choice, with something I thought that was entirely right for me. In any case, this will be a short one and I am going to wrap it up here because I have still got a lot of work to complete and yeah...that needs doing, so later taters!

PS: I didn't mention what course I'm hoping to switch to...it's English and Creative Writing, and now you know.  

Weights and counter-weights

Samurai had this idea that one should live as though one is dreaming and that death is where we all "wake up" so to speak. Well, that's not entirely true, but then, it's not entirely false either and for the purposes of this piece it's truth enough which is actually pretty lucky as this one is all about perception.

It is one of my favourite things in the world. The idea that someone can experience the exact same thing but recount or otherwise interpret it differently than myself or anyone else who witnessed said hypothetical event. To a lot of people it can be quite scary, not knowing what is going on in other people's heads. I would be lying if I said it doesn't scare me at times, but then at others, I marvel at it, because what else can you do? People often think I'm attacking them when I ask them to explain their point of view on something, because I can be too brusque, too accusatory in tone or whatever...which is a failing on my part, because almost always I am just trying to understand a different perspective. I'm not attacking, I'm not chiding or demeaning, I am simply trying to understand.

Sometimes I do take it too far though and I forget about myself, my own actual point of view, and put on the mask of questioner, the me who isn't me but is... I think everyone does this to some extent, the football fan that, for example, is swept along in the moment and attacks someone for insulting their team, the anti-hate protester who becomes a reflection of the people they are protesting against, the people who care so much it hurts them to care at all. In trying to satisfy the inner desires, to belong, to be good, to be righteous, we do sometimes create a monster.

But of course, you can't see that. It is like living at the bottom of a lake, even if you could potentially see the sky above the water, but you would not know it is dry until you get out. Would you even know what "dry" is, having spent your life at the bottom of a lake? We only know what we can know and, even then, not all of that.

Perception is a funny thing. I know what I am talking about and I think I have even explained it pretty well, but you could interpret it another way entirely. You could be angry that I've implied you've been living at the bottom of the lake (hey, I didn't say perceptions had to make sense) or take umbrage at my use of the word "umbrage"...you could think it banal, funny, insightful, insipid, boring or anything in between or outside of that range but I can guarantee that not one of you would read it in the exact way I had meant it to be read....which is really poor phrasing for which I do apologise, I am very tired right now. You might get close, very close, but you would never, ever be able to read these words as I would, nor could I ever be exact in the way you interpret them...so maybe you would interpret them correctly because I can't perceive that doesn't mean it can't be done right?! Heh, tangents, love them, anyway.

This has just been a long-way of saying I am leaving the journalism course. For a few reasons; firstly, I don't really believe in objectivity and it seems dishonest to try to claim it as a career. Secondly, you have read my writing, right? It is good, very good, even if I do say so myself, but it isn't really suitable for news (see objectivity complaint). Thirdly, I can't report. I get too interested in what people are saying, why they say those things, the reasons etc....which means I don't get the quotes down....Fourthly; I get bored when people speak (I know, both ends of the spectrum right, almost like a person can have more than one trait!) and I zone out to think about video games, or books, or food, even *whispers* girls! Don't tell the priests! Yeah...my brain isn't quite right, I blame Deadpool. 

Fifth and finally, the cynicism. Now, I am a fairly cynical chap, or at least, I was until a few years ago. I still kind of am, but it's more of a jovial cynicism now...that was until I started doing stories for this course....people hoping for tragedies because they make the best stories....dismissing people's hardships as irrelevant because they won't sell papers...treating people as leads or contacts instead of just...people...there's a dehumanisation there, you know? As much as I dislike being around people I do value them as people, as humans, to be treated rightly not because I'm trying to wheedle a story out of them either now or in the future, but because treating them rightly is the correct thing to do. There is just something ever so slightly abhorrent about it.

Which you may realise is hypocritical because at the start of this I said about my asking people questions to try to understand them, basically getting a "story" for myself. There isn't much of a difference, but, also remember this is about perception, it makes sense in my eyes.

So what now for this old wolf...I have started on the road to sorting out an English course next year, just have to finish and pass the current year, and I might combine it with something, maybe. It looks like I will have to repeat the first year (if I can even get onto it) but that's fine, I expected that. Why did I write about perceptions today, partly it's because I know that people will think I'm insane for doing this, I get that a lot because I do things that seem like crazy snap judgements, but it's not. This particular thing has been bubbling away in my head since the start of the year. If anything, the insane snap judgement was deciding to stick at it to see if it would improve. Generally speaking, these apparently hastily made decisions are the result of months of mostly silent contemplation on the subject. Perceptions are a funny thing.

A day-trip to the crunch

March eh? When did that happen?! Well, obviously it happened after February but hey, stop being obtuse! I'm talking about it in terms of the mortal "time is fleeting" existentialist kind of rhetoric that is so popular amongst kids these days (I'd assume...I mean kids do nothing now but talk philosophy don't they?) but yeah, enough about that, what I really want to talk about is March itself.

This month (and well, to be fair, a week or two of April) is full fit to bursting with essays and news stories to be written and exams to be completed and portfolios to be submitted and lions and tigers and bears, oh my! It's a lot of work, to be sure and I, in true Terencian fashion (yep, my name can now also be used as an adjective), am resisting the call to work because it's not yet the last moment to do everything. Which, I know, is a very stupid thing to do.

To be entirely honest, I've been contemplating changing course. Not altogether seriously, but when I find myself in the wee hours of the night, sat at my desk, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a gun to my head in the other because I can't find a solitary news story (scenario may not be entirely factual) I sometimes do think, maybe, just maybe, this isn't for me. 

I don't doubt that others have had this thought, not just on my course, but on every course. A "maybe the grass is greener" kind of thought about other paths, and as it gets closer and closer to the end of the year I find myself thinking more and more about it. Mainly because you can only get student loans for three years plus one, (I assume that plus one is there as a safety net should you only just fail the first year and are allowed to return, or you want to try a different course) so after this year it would be kind of hard to finance a jaunt through the third year. 

What's making me doubt my ability to do well at this is, well, a lot of things really, but principally it comes down to two things. Firstly, I'm inexact. I tend to speak, and write, passionately and you can't do that in newspapers. You have to be balanced, you have to be objective, which is a ludicrous concept if you think about it (how can a subjective being be objective?) and it annoys me more than anything.

Secondly, I am really, really, phenomenally bad at taking quotes. Shorthand is supposed to be a help in this, but if anything, it's a hindrance, at least it is to me. Not entirely sure how learning what is essentially a second language is supposed to help me take things down quicker than I could in my "native" tongue. That's not fair though, I guess, I've seen how quick it can be, it's just me, I can't do that, my brain isn't fast enough in that regard. I can't marry that specific, instinctive reaction to the mechanical skill. 

I am a bit slow, a bit plodding, when it comes to writing. I tend to write and rewrite and rewrite again because what I have initially wrote is not what I meant or doesn't flow well. So far in this very blog I've gone back over it and deleted and rewrote at least four paragraphs and countless sentences. It's something that can't really be done with news copy, you can maybe get away with a few grammatical errors, but it's got to be done quickly and to a formula. It's not writing, as such, it's working to a formula, which I think is actually my main criticism of it and is probably *the* reason why I have considered changing course. There's no need to understand a story, there are the facts, you get them down, you get them sent out. It's also affecting my writing ability, I've gone from a quite complex style to a more simplified one, and I don't like it! I'm making far more grammatical errors than I used to because I'm second guessing myself, I'm not using as many literary allusions because outside of editorials they have no place, it's so annoying!

These are just musings though. I'm not changing course, mainly because next year I get to do broadcast work, i.e. the stuff I am actually interested in doing. It's kind of weird that the first year would put so much emphasis on what is a dying medium (that is to say, print) and basically nothing on television, radio and relatively little on on-line publishing. The other factor to consider is...fuck it, you know, it's another style of writing. It doesn't hurt to have another weapon in my locker when I do get into writing full time. 

...plus it'll definitely be better next year, no more shorthand....later taters!

The inexactitude of belief

I know everything. This is not a hyperbolic statement. There is a universe full of knowledge, from the grandiose to the minute, and I know all of it. 

Or rather, I talk as if I do. It's a real problem for me and I know it annoys people because I do just go on and on when I probably should have stopped speaking about three sentences back. Quite often I don't back down on a subject even if I know little about the subject or can only half remember it. 

Trust me, it's (about) as annoying for me as it could ever be for you. I loath ignorance and will feign knowledge on a subject or topic rather than admit I don't know anything about it, and you know, normally, I'll be able to actually add something even if only on a basic level...and the other person themselves doesn't know too much about the subject...

But then I'll get into that conversation, that debate or argument, with a person who is actually truly knowledgeable in that area and I have been known to say things that only an idiot would say. Contradictory corollaries, tenebrous tautologies, appalling alliteration...I've done it all and more! 

The thing I consider to be the worst is that if I forget something, which is often (my memory is atrocious...I think, I can never remember if I'm forgetful or not), and it's clear to the person I'm talking to that I've forgotten, and should stop speaking, I don't...I go on...and often contradict what has been said before. 

Partly, I think this comes from when I was a child. At said stage of development I had this tendency to just end sentences abruptly. I would practically go mute mid-sentence, seemingly. Which annoyed people as you can probably imagine. So I worked on it, but like everything I do work on properly, I ended up over doing it and so now you have the verbose god you now see before you (or imagine seeing...you guys and gals do imagine seeing me saying all this right? Or hear me at least? Are you sure though? Is my accent really like that? I'm messing with your mind with my wizard powers!)...well, sometimes anyway. 

I noticed the over-talking thing was also annoying people, so I dialled it back but I got caught in a weird kind of linguistic limbo where sometimes I can be too garrulous whilst other times just kind of trailing....

Yes, I do know that that is how people operate, you, normal people, with your regular appendages and your standard ways of being....disgusting, eugh...but what I mean is that I tend to go from one extreme to the other sometimes in the same conversation which is odd, so people do give me that weird look...or rather the normal look one does give a weird person. Or sometimes, and this is becoming increasingly recurrent, a look of pity, as though to say "oh, you poor brain damaged boy you....how do you tie your shoe laces in the morning." (I actually don't wear shoes, ever since I heard the story about the Gordian Knot I've not been allowed near rope, string, scarves wrapped around people's necks, ties or wires...what I'm supposed to do? Sit there and untie them when a good chopping will do?! No sir, not this gentlemen, not I!) 

So, to bring this full circle, I started this off with a very tongue in cheek statement. I do not know everything. (What?! Stop the presses!) I mean, don't get me wrong, I know a lot, probably a hell of a lot more than the regular person and that's not big headed (well, it is, but...) it just is. But here's the thing, it's, generally speaking, a basic knowledge. I tend to skim the outlines of a subject rather than go into depth on the subject itself, so I know a little about a lot whilst it could be argued that that's useless when compared to knowing a lot about little. Jack of all trades, master of none kind of deal. I used that tale of the Gordian Knot in the last paragraph. I know what the story is, in essence, there was an un-doable knot, some versions it was around a treasure chest, some it was tied to a cart, and many people had tried to untie it and failed until some clever bugger, sometimes Alexander the Great, sometimes Heracles, doesn't waste time fiddling with it, he just cuts through it with his sword. Problem solved. The point is I know the outline of the story, I know what happened, and I know who did what and how/why, but I can guarantee that if I was telling this story as an actual story, I would go on and on about irrelevant details and get some major ones wrong. Like, it's a Greek story, but I'll call Heracles by his Roman name (The more popularly known Hercules) or something...when it's a nothing story like that though it doesn't matter if I get that small detail wrong, but I do it on other, far more important things.

Anyway, I've rambled enough for one night (some would say enough for two, or even more!) so yeah, I'm off, later taters.

ABRUPT ENDING!      

Like a laser

It's the bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded, two outs and I'm up to bat and that's when I suddenly realise that I don't know anything about baseball other than this cliché, is it good that the bases are loaded? Is it bad? What are they loaded with? Cheese? Marshmallow? The mix of pride and self- loathing a parent feels toward a child who has achieved more in their short lives than said parent ever did or, indeed, could???

The point is I'm procrastinating. I do this often. When I'm bored, when I'm excited, when I'm sad, happy or any point in between, I will procrastinate. It's not that I'm lazy, I'm really not...there's just only so much attention I can give to a task before ooh, hey, shiny! I see a new thing and I'm off to do that. I blame video-games. Well, games in general to be honest. That and books, and movies, and cooking, and cleaning and and the world, nay, the universe in fact!  Stop being so damned interesting, you fool!

Mostly I do stay on top of my procrastinating, even if it does mean that I don't get things done until the very last moment, and of course, there is always another very last moment. Truth be told, I'm actually scared that one day it's going to bite me in the arse. See, so far, I've always managed to find that last moment, pull it out in the clutch scenario like the cliché I opened this piece with (I do actually understand baseball, to my everlasting shame, I can't help it, I'm addicted to learning crap yo!) and that's cool and all. Then, after the dust has settled and I've relaxed a bit I always say "next time, I'll do it with time to spare, no! With plenty of time to spare in fact!" and I don't, because I am me and I will always leave things to the last moment, always and every time, even the times where I do not do so.

My current problem is a presentation I'm working on. I'm doing a portion of it, looking at regulation in television media during the 60s and 70s, and there's a fair amount of stuff to sift through, but most of it is junk in terms of relating to the actual question. Bloody interesting to read through though. Which is why I've been procrastinating, why I've been off doing other things instead of doing this work, it allows me time to refocus, get back on track. The less time I have to complete the work, the more precise I'm forced to be, the better I am at discarding useless (though oh so interesting) information and picking only the juiciest, most delectable facts.

...at least that's how I justify it to myself....it's more probable that I am severely unfocussed and whilst this topic is interesting, it's only interesting in a broader scope. It's like someone hands you a sandwich but then tells you you can only eat the crusts. Now, don't get me wrong, the crusts are vital, I understand why they are there (to keep the gooey innards of the sandwich from leaking out....what?  It's not a real sandwich if its innards don't squirt! jeez, you people and your prim and proper "deli sandwiches" I don't know what the world is coming to....anyway), but it's really the whole of the sandwich you're interested in. Looking at one part of a subject in great detail is great and I can understand it, but honestly, I'd rather just have the whole thing instead of one piece.

Certainly in this presentation. A lot happened in the 60s and 70s, that's for sure, but the really interesting stuff in television happened in the decades surrounding it (i.e. the 50s and 80s) at least, that's how it seems to be from what I can find on the subject. It's like regulation started in the 50s, didn't change all that much unto the mid 70s and that change (from what I can find) was mostly incidental...just five years more on the span and I could take about it detail, but no, got to stick to those decades....then you've got the UK media ignoring of the troubles in Northern Ireland. In Irish television, big deal, in UK nothing really significant happened until 1979 with the Carrickmore incident...which is great, but I can't really talk about one year in a two decade span for all that long, even if it was significant.

I feel like I'm missing something, something obvious. I got the BBC director general greene, the pilkington committee and ITN being all like "Here's the News at Ten, bitches!" and that, and the aforementioned pieces of info, but that can't be it, there has to be something bigger than this because this is small stuff that's fairly interesting but it's not...well...big...it's not revolutionary and why look at this era if the only salient points are "tvs got cheaper and more colourful so more people went there for news"

...or maybe I'm over-thinking it and I'm over-rating the 60s/70s importance as basically everyone seems to do because the baby-boomer generation was the beeeest, they even say so themselves so it must be true! Ah the well, I've had a nice little vent, so I'm going back to it now, later taters.