So, it's been a while. Nothing has really happened. I graduated, got a job, left a job, started a PGCE, left a PGCE...it's actually that last thing which I want to talk about but I need to provide some context first. Yesterday, I got drunk. Very drunk. The most drunk I've been in a very, very long time. Frankly, I'm amazed I'm not dead this morning, or at least curled up in some form of alcohol induced catatonia. Mostly though, I'm amazed I'm not dead because in addition to drinking literally enough to kill, I am also very sick. Well, not very sick, just sick, I guess....I have two ongoing conditions, both relatively minor actually, an inner ear infection and also glandular fever. You know, conditions which are not end of the world or anything in their severity, they just require a month or two of rest for them to clear up....and that's where the talk about the PGCE comes in. Only two months in, I had to quit the course. I mean, I can barely stand up for five minutes without falling over or feeling extremely nauseous, I can't hold my concentration, I have a horrible amount of brain fog, I have recurrent fevers and tics and headaches and, well, it's not good.
As I say, it's actually nothing serious, it should clear up in a month or two but....I had to leave the PGCE course. It was something I'd been working toward for over a year, the amount of time and energy I put into getting there, the hoops I had to jump through, the effort I'd put into getting the experience required...I've been invited back next year. The university was very understanding in that regard, I mean, it was a health issue, couldn't be avoided, get better and try again next year....I don't know if I can. I loved the brief amount that I spent teaching but I don't know....I wasn't doing too well at the course even before I became ill and the two weeks I've had off have given me a decent amount of time to reflect on life and everything. Too much time to think, I think, because it's been very depressing, assessing my life. I think the biggest problem I have is worrying what other people think of me. I want people to have the best view of me but then I fear I'll mess up or fall short of these imaginary expectations and so disappear or self sabotage because then at least the fuck up is my choice, right? I'm neurotic to a ridiculous level, is what I'm trying to say. I think that's the worst thing about having to leave the PGCE course, it wasn't my choice to do so, it was something forced on me. I'd been thinking about leaving but gritted my teeth, pulled my shit together, and said to the universe 'No, I'm doing this' and the universe said 'Oh, really now?' This has been a bit of a rambling mess but then, I am a rambling mess, so I'm going to go now and...I don't know...wallow in misery or something, yes, I think wallowing is the order of the day.
