Thursday, 11 July 2013

So...I slept at night for the first time in a long time last night....

Slept all the day before as well. Well, most of it anyway. I had been up all the night before that, so don't give me those eyes! Those filthy judgemental eyes...full of ocular juices! No! I won't have them! Anyway, so yeah, I slept all day and night, and it was because for the first time in maybe two years I was actually able to relax. I finished college about a month ago and since then I've had nothing to do. I don't have a job (don't get me wrong, I've been looking, but I'm very much of a mindset of "if I get one great, if not, oh well, September awaits"...i.e. I don't actually need one at the moment...which in itself is a weird thing) and slowly, but surely, my mind has been eating itself out of's why I'm doing these blogs and made a new youtube channel (and am actually putting videos up :O this time), because mostly, I'm bored and I need things to do.

But yesterday was the first day that I've just been content to sit back and do nothing. Like, normally if I don't have work to do, I'd write or read or play a video game, go on a walk or cook or just do something, anything, but yesterday, I did nothing. I laid face-down on my bed, not even particularly tired, and went to sleep...I had a fucking nap! Woke up, ate, went back to bed and you know how hard it is for me to do that?! Normally, if I wake up that's it, I am up, doesn't matter if I've had an hours sleep, half an hours sleep whatever, I am up for the rest of the night. But nope, just went back to sleep. 

So what got me so relaxed? Drugs? Booze? The ramblings of notoriously monotone character actor Ben Stein? No, no and possibly subconsciously, but mainly it was that I got my results for my college course yesterday. I could finally stop worrying over the college fucking things up, I have the results in my possession, signed and ready for if the college does fuck up getting in touch with the university to pass along said results...if that happens now, I can pass them along myself! My future is in my hands, nobody else's, and doesn't that feel great?! I'm not particularly hurting for cash at the moment, I've got all my finances sorted for university, I've got my accommodation sorted out, the results to hand over personally if the college miscommunicates...I can actually sit back and just relax/not worry for a change...of course, it won't last, in fact the mood is shifting again already, I know not a lot of people read these things or go to my youtube channel and that's great! But updating them (more or less to a schedule) is an important thing to me, I need to prove to myself that I can keep at things over a period of time...because that's where I've let myself down in the past, I start something, discover something new, move on and the original thing never gets finished/looked at again, and that's just crap, you know....things have to end at some point yeah, but that should be when they're actually finished, not at the beginning or the halfway mark or whatever other degree of completion I've left them at.

I mean, that's what I've finally done with college, I've finally completed it, pretty much officially...that's Level 3 Education out of the way after only nine years of bullshit distractions and partially completed attempts (damn, if only I'd have put another year in I could have hit ten years and I would have been at expert level for bullshit distractions and dropping out....curses! though in a way...I'm dropping out of dropping! expert level achieved! ^_^ ) and it's weird...A little over two years ago I was in a job with the Government that I absolutely hated, so much so that I left after just two months there (even though I'd been unemployed for a long period of time before then) and you know, it was just shit. But, in a weird way, that was when I started to get my shit back together...I knew I had to do something, that I had to actually go back and complete my education...because the alternative was crap like that.

I realise that this isn't even the halfway mark in my goal, not properly. But that said it's feels so good to have finally completed that step, got over that hurdle. It feels nice to finally be doing something with my life, you know, instead of just scrambling to survive day to day, not wanting to go to bed because that'll only make the morning come faster and there's nothing there for me...that's what I was like only two years's been such an effort to turn it all around, it really hasn't been easy, but it's good that I can finally have days like yesterday where I can actually relax and look forward to the future with hope instead of sitting there, dreading tomorrow and going grey with despair.

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